The End

Dear Class,
Thanks for a great class this summer. I had so much fun reading your fiction and talking about fiction writing. You are a brilliant bunch of students, and I hope that you keep writing.

Stay cool in the Tucson heat.

Yours,
Rachel Y.

Hmmmm.

I making some last minute changes before everything is due. I hope it all works out. It's been a great class.

One Last Post

First of all, Happy fourth of July. I just finished everything for my portfolio. It feels good to be done. I will see most of you tomorrow at the Auld Dubliner. I've enjoyed the class and I think might writing got atleast a little bit better. I will remember the lust and the hand most of all.

reading

i don't know what to read. agh! the excerpt idea is difficult, because where to cut?

Working on my portfolios for both of my classes....trying to find something not psychotic to read for the talk-off on Thursday....Revising....

Oh, Rachel, I forgot to ask you: when we turn in the portfolio, can the short story be more than 20 pages?

I'm cleaning at work, cleaning my new apt, moving, and cleaning the old apt. I'm glad that I have this class. Without it, I might clean myself into oblivion.

endings

endings are HARD. i'm getting nowhere fast, coming up with lots of ideas that just feel too "eh." hopefully something that works will hit me in the face soon. i kind of toyed with the idea of including parts from Sammie's perspective, but feel like that would be such a major change- since the whole story is through Lizbeth's eyes only right now and that's part of the point- so it might take too long to do right and/or it might just trash the whole feel. also, i guess my character's motivation came out not quite how i wanted it to... jealousy maybe overshadowed some of the other stuff i wanted to be more important... (which is funny- my last story was about jealousy too... hmmm... let's not think about that too much!). i'll keep fiddling with this stuff and hope it all comes together, meanwhile i'm tired. see you all soon, hope you had a great weekend.

Nearing the finishing line

Hey all, thanks for the help with my story. I've been going through and fixing the tenses. Geez, I'm amazed you people were able to read it at all! I'm adding a bit of backstory sooner in the story to make Morgan and Edward's relationship make more sense, and be a bit stronger. I'm taking out some small sections, and trying to get rid of those horrid chiche's (but really, how else do you describe that fluttery feeling in the belly?)

I'd really like suggestions on a title if you guys have any ideas. I was never happy with what I chose. Help?

Revised Ending

Dear Everyone,

Well, thanks to your generous ripping apart of my story (*wink*), I have revised various parts throughout and changed the ending pretty drastically. The good news is, she still vomits at the end, and this time it's graphic. Hooray!

Love,

Jax

P.S. For the curious, here's how it ends:

She decided to really paint today. She packed her duffel full of paints and palettes and pencils, grabbed a canvas, and headed to the park. As she approached the spot where she had painted the day before, she remembered her encounter there with Jonathan Hall. She remembered how he had held her left hand, rubbing the beads on her O-mamori. Her stomach clinched, and her saliva began to thicken. She thought about how happy seven years of marriage had been. Her vision began to blur. As she got closer, she remembered how hurt Alex had looked, laying on the bed, pillow covering his crotch. She remembered Jonathan Hall’s cold hand on her breast, and her guts twisted painfully. Her mouth tasted bitter, and fat droplets began leaving wet trails down her cheeks. Finally, as she reached the spot where she and Hall had stood toe to toe, she recalled how it had felt to sleep alone last night in a wide, empty bed, without Alex by her side. With that last though, Marcia’s canvas and painting supplies toppled to the ground, the latter scattering across the grass. Marcia doubled over painfully, grabbing her knees for support, and emptied the bitter, acidic contents of her stomach onto the fading imprints of two size ten Rockports.

Nota Bene: In the revised park scene, Jonathan Hall is described as wearing Rockports.

Thank you and a question for Rachel

Thank you everyone for the comments. I can say with absolute certainty that there will be no death. No dog paw sticking out of the suitcase. I'm all for a park image of Serena running free.
Rachel-for the analysis of our short story collection is it okay to include a kind of personal response as well? Sheehan's stories have the same themes I'm interested in writing about.

didn't write. Ate a burger instead.

Thanks Everyone!

I just read through everyone's comments on my paper. Thank you for all the tips and ideas!




I do apologize for it being so confusing to most, and it was my number one worry and will definitely be worked on. I wrote this as if I was a video editor (well, I do that anyways) and some of the tricks and such that film makers use don't necessarily translate well to creative writing. Ah, only if I could use Photoshop, Motion, and Final Cut to make a peice of creative writing (seriously, that's how my mind worked when I wrote this thing, like using a movie timeline and running at 24fps.) This is what happens when you have English 210 and Media Arts 497g back to back each day.

So I propose this. Each of the "memories" he has (which are in 1st person, present tense... and will stay that way) are false ways that Joy dies, none of which are true. He only conjures up these visions in order to explore if her death in a different way would ease his heart (which it does not). In order to step into these "fake memories" (sorry, that's the best term I can come up with) I think I'll take Daniel's advice and have some more objects in real life make him think more about the scenes his sad little mind produces. Then, start to transition, like a "Dip-to-Black" transition (when the screen fades out then back in) and come back in black and white. I thought that the POV change was enough, but I can work on putting in more of "His mind started thinking wildly when he saw the children, making ideas and acusations, false logistics as to how his wife Joy could have turned to death. He thought these in hopes it would ease his heavy heart." Literally, I'll make him view the "fake memories" in black-and-white, the only thing he sees in color will be the actual death by car.
Will this work to make the difference of reality, and imaginary less confusing to the reader without having to state the fakeness outright?

(Again, can you tell I think behind a camera? Dang... been doing this stuff for far too long already.)

As for my character development, I would rather keep him from developing too much. He is to be "motionless" in this sense, showing how some people just can't fully get over it. As for the ending, I'll be changing that, having the knife that does not kill her be more pronounced and obvious so that we realize that he does not kill her, only held it as he ran outside.

I'm still struggling with him moving forward in his life. I don't really want him to move too far, and have him realize that thinking of other ways she could have died, will never bring her back, and never make the sadness go away. Only accepting it will allow him to move on. I dunno, it seemed really cool when I wrote it. Now, seems like a dark Film Noir script that doesn't go places.

[Thanks to Marissa for the cool drawing!]

UGH. Brain hurts. Need sleep.

I read four chapters last night and crammed for my Psychology test that I have...in an hour.
Still managed to read all the stories, though since I'm so out of it I'm not sure how much help I was. Can barely keep my eyes open.

Stories

I'm done reading for the night. The stories are good. The house is hot
cluttered with boxes, and the Russian set his dinner, which he always
seems to have at midnight, to boil on the range top. He left the room- I
hope he remembers that he's cooking. See ya'll tomorrow.
--andersonwj

Whew.

Okay, so I'm posting for all the days I haven't posted recently. After taking ENGL 209 and 210 at the same time this summer, I'm considering changing my major to something that has nothing to do with creative writing whatsoever. Like llama ranching, though I doubt they offer that at the UofA. Anyhow, I don't know if writing critiques is considered writing, but I'm doing a lot of that. I'm also trying to revise my short story so it's more polished (a.k.a. doesn't suck quite as much as before). Er.....okay. Well, despite the fact that critiquing is a pain in the ass, I'm enjoying your guys' stories. Fulla talent!

Ugh

I like reading all of your stories but I'm burnt out!

Midnight Cowboy

Wahida, I would still watch Midnight Cowboy. I've never seen it before. Your story inspired me to finally rent it.

im starting to lose it. im reading and writing and im really bitter, almost all because of my writing lately. i do need to get my experimental going, i dont think that i'll have too much trouble with it. i might even have an idea, but i need to be sure on length. so much to do and never a second to breathe, but that's the way i need it. i'm thinking of starting two or three new projects and hopefully i can hit like i did three years ago and run three day projects, which i still like those things that i have written in the two day periods than anything i have written over a longer period. i hope by next May i can add an exception to that...my novel, but we'll see. the stories are coming out pretty well. i guess that's all i've got. have a nice day all

~chad nobert

omg

for anyone i've ruined the ending to "Midnight Cowboy" for, i'm sorry! i didn't even think about that, and now i kinda feel bad about it... but i think it's definitely worth seeing anyway, despite my thoughtless spoiler. meanwhile, bryce's story totally had me in stitches this morning, and i'm about to read brewster's which i know he said is very sad, so it looks like it's going to be a very emotional day. i always get excited to see what the stories are going to be about. it's hard not to peek... but i don't want to SPOIL it for myself, har har... ok, i really am sorry about ruining the end.

Thanks

Thanks to everyone who participated in workshop today. I found all of your comments totally helpful and constructive. I hope i can work it all out in the short time i have to make my revision. on another note. i don't think i will be writing in my journal over the next couple of days. i'm trying to get all of the work for this class done by friday because i have to leave early to travel to northern California for my summer job. thanks again...LA PAz