6.20.2007
hard work
I've been working all morning on this dialogue between my to main characters. this stuff is tough. i'm trying to create a strong conflict through this dialogue in the first three pages. I'm trying to make the intial conflict an internal one in each of my two main characters, and then later in the story and going to attempt to transform the conflict to an external one between the two. we'll see what happens..PEACE
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Jon! I don't have your e-mail address with me right now, but I wanted to give you feedback on your story, since you asked. I definitely think that it's better in that you've connected the opening scene to the past more directly. I also like how you've worked more on the surf scene. A couple questions:
1. The narrator being "dead inside" and then having a "single tear" inch down his cheek was confusing to me, in terms fo characterization.
2. Why do your characters talk in such a stylized way? I think that it's funny when the narrator says, "Are you fucking stoned?" in response to Koios's stylized and overly formal language, but then they go to speak like this even more. I wonder what would happen if you made them speak normally. I think that, for me, this would push the story more into the realm of literary fiction and further away from a "genre" feel. What do you think?
3. What's the personal/internal conflict in this story? I don't see it yet. For example, how are Fidnes and Koios at odds? Perhaps Koios wants to go all werid on Fidnes, dwell on thess visions they're having, etc., and Koios thinks he's high, dumb, whatever. I'm not sure, but I bet you have a better idea of the conflict, where you want to take this, etc.
Keep writing!! You've already improved this plenty from the first draft that I saw!
Good word. Onward.
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